Tag Archives: life

The Perpetual Vagabond is Back!

Hello Dear Readers!

I began this blog in May of 2011, while reading Julia Cameron’s book, The Artist’s Way, a book about discovering or recovering our creativity. At that time, I was not only unaware of that fact that creativity was something I had lost, but I also came to understand how that loss was impacting my life. Creativity is not something we do, it is how we express ourselves, how we come to understand who we are, and ultimately how we make meaning in the world. Without an outlet for meaning-making, humans can find themselves feeling empty, hopeless, and without purpose; in May of 2011, this was how I felt. Stumbling upon this book about recovering something so fundamental to existence, and yet I hadn’t realized was missing, completely changed my life. Inspired to overcome my fear of failure, rejection, and self-doubt, I crafted my first blog post and put it out for all to see. Of course at the time few people were there to hear my words, but the simple act of hitting “publish” on something that was personal, vulnerable, and of my own making, was liberating. I started slow, with a few poems and some photos. I was searching for my voice and what it was that I hoped to say to the world. Eventually, I decided to start travelling and used this blog to share my experiences. I embraced my namesake and found my voice as a vagabond. However, constant travel was limiting in its own way, and in that process I found that being a vagabond is more a state of mind; a way of approaching the world with curiosity and wonder. I now tend to wander about through my neighborhood and local parks, all the while exploring the world through my senses and trying to understand what my surroundings have to teach me.

My goal in the coming months and years, is to repurpose this blog with an eye towards depth, emotion, and embodied explorations. For many years I have shared my various adventures, but I have paid less attention to the more meaningful aspects of each journey. I have shown beautiful pictures, but rarely offered deep wonderings or insights. While I may have started my creative journey seven years ago, I have really only scratched the surface of what’s possible. If I am to truly live a creative, meaningful life, I must now start to peel away the layers of superficiality and begin to explore in more thoughtful and purposeful ways. I know this won’t be particularly easy, but I hope that it’s worthwhile. I would like to thank each of you that have followed me over the years and I look forward to your continued feedback and support.

With love,

The Perpetual Vagabond

Long Walk

 

 

Grief, Love, and Remembrance

IMG_1591

A few days ago I found myself standing in front of the memorial for the victims of the racist, violent attack that happened last week on a MAX train in Portland. I stood there and cried, while other people did the same. Portland has always been my home, but standing there made me feel like I was somewhere else, in a place I didn’t know, even though I knew in my heart that it is very much this place, that led to this attack happening. This made it all the more painful. We have not done enough. I have not done enough. This incident has put a spotlight on the legacy of colonialism, racism, and white supremacy that is alive and well in our community and in our country. As long as hateful people can see their views reflected and held up in our society, these acts will continue. We must do more. I must do more. But, too many people claim to have the answers; claim to know the one righteous path forward. There is a general lack of humility and refusal to listen, that is pervasive is the current dialogue. Our community feels like it is both coming together and breaking apart all at once. But, I believe that there are no simple answers and I rarely trust those who claim to have them. Humans are more complicated than that. We live in both a causal condition, while also constantly striving towards free-will. Until we can recognize both the causality of our lives and our personal responsibility to act morally and ethically, we will continue to spin in circles of violence and extremism; of righteous self-indignation that leads to discord and the disintegration of compassion for others. We must start using love and empathy as verbs, not slogans. We must start listening, start seeking to understand that which makes us uncomfortable, and working to actively dismantle oppressive systems and ways of thinking that are woven into our culture. I am heartbroken that this happened and I grieve for the families who lost loved ones and those who were traumatized by this act of terror in our community. But, I will also continue to have hope knowing that most people are good people and that together we can work to make this world a better place for all.

 

State Testing: A Poem

State Testing: A Poem

When you make State Testing

Two weeks long

And feel like prison

It becomes clear that a test

Is more important than my learning

Like something I deserve  

Because I am not good enough already

When I get detention for acting out

Because I am sad

My home is falling apart

I am hungry

It becomes clear that rules

Are more important

Than me

Than my dreams and aspirations

Than this pit that grows in my belly

And makes me want to scream

When you tell me

Through daily repetition

Of the importance of grades

My worth gets tangled up in abstraction

I learn that failure is inevitable

That I am worthless

Top students get praised

I get scolded

Words that burn

On top of scars

That are now my identity

Words that follow me

Everywhere I go

When you make sitting in class

More important

Than living life

I never learn to live

And I never live to learn

Oly Fall 2014-4

Collage: Beyond the End of the World

When all was said and done it turns out that the world didn’t end on December 21, 2012. But, in honor of this auspicious day this collage was made as a representation of our intentions for the future! I for one am happy that we will continue on and I wish you all the very best in the years to come!

Beyond the End of the World

Collage by: Lauriel~Arwen and August Amoroso

 

The Beginning

I began this blog in May of 2011 in the wake of what felt like losing my mind. I was about to graduate with a Master’s Degree in a field I no longer wanted to work in, I was working in a job that was supposed to be my dream job, but I hated, and I had no idea who I was or where I was going. I was lonely, depressed and felt like I was slowly going mad. I began to have panic attacks daily and eventually ended up in the ER one evening with intense pain in my eyes, convinced that I had a brain tumor and was dying. Upon being discharged from the hospital and being told I was not dying, but was possibly suffering the side effects of severe stress, I realized that I was a mess and something needed to change.

A few weeks later I had an epiphany that led me to start this blog and I made my first entry. A year and a half later as I look back at where my life has gone, I realize how important this process of sharing my creative work with others has been for me as find my own inner strength and direction. I’m still learning and growing every day and often have moments that feel like I am sinking back into madness, but I also know that I now have a deep sense of self and have found immense joy in the creative process.

Below, is that very first blog post I published, and ultimately the beginning of this amazing journey I have been on this past year and a half. When I made that first entry I never could have imagined how far this process would take me. Up until that point I had never shared my creative work with anyone, due to immense fear and insecurity, and today I do it almost daily.

Now I once again feel like I’m at another crossroads in my life (but, this time I am starting from what I have already built, not at rock bottom) so I felt like acknowledging these first steps and how far I have come. Thank you to everyone who has taken an interest in my work and I hope to continue to create and share it with the world!

Today: (Originally Published May 2011)

Today, I began to mourn the loss of my creative self that so long ago I buried deep within the recesses of my mind; never even allowing myself to return to the grave site to pay my respects. The day of the burial I walked away without looking back, but could hear a faint cry for help as I had buried my artistic ambitions alive, left to suffocate beneath a mound of intellectualism, practicality, and cultural pressure. Instead I became a student, a teacher, a girlfriend and a traveler. I found artistic expression in nature and in my social circles, but never in myself. I retrained a passionate ambition to create, but with no outlet in my life, jumped from place to place, job to job, and vision to vision. Each new undertaking was only exciting as long as the initial newness and artistic imagery lasted. Not wanting to fully accept artistic death, I kept around a few hobbies, but routinely sabotaged my own work with self-doubt, distrust of others, and a wall of insecurity.

Today, my subconscious brought me back to the burial site and wouldn’t let me leave until I acknowledged what I had done. Now faced with the reality of my loss, I mourn, while at the same time fend off my inner voice that tells me to stop being silly and just let go once and for all. It tells me that I left behind my art for a reason and that it is a selfish and meaningless waste of time. I listen to these thoughts and weep at their cruelty.

Today as I grieve and question, I am also uplifted at the prospect of raising the dead and once again living an artistic life.

Today, I mourn, forgive and embrace the unknown.

On Being “Freshly Pressed”

Last week when I decided to publish my Essay, The Swifts, Conflict, Decision Making and Following My Dreams, it was with trepidation. It was clearly quite personal and I wasn’t entirely sure I was comfortable with hundreds of people I didn’t know reading it. But, in the end I thought that it was valuable to put it out into the world in order to hold myself accountable to beginning the process of facing my fears. So when four hours after posting I received an email from an editor at WordPress congratulating me on being “Freshly Pressed”, I was in shock. Now my very personal essay would not just be read by my small group of followers, but by hundreds and maybe thousands of new people. I almost panicked and took the post down. But, after taking a few deep breaths I decided that this was clearly a sign that I could no longer hide from confronting these issues and that this was an opportunity to throw the door wide open on a new path in my life.

What I never expected though, was the incredible response I got from so many of you on how the essay impacted your own life and reflective process. I couldn’t believe how many people expressed gratitude for my words and could relate to my story. Every person who commented on my post telling me how much my story resonated with them was one more affirmation that sharing this essay was important for my own growth and healing and now the growth and healing of many others.

I would like to thank everyone who took the time to read my words and to those of you who shared your own personal stories with me. It’s always nice to know that we are not alone on our journey and that by being willing to express ourselves authentically we can help each other through difficult times. I hope to continue to share more thoughts on life as well as continue to share my photography, which is ultimately my outlet for expressing how I see the world.

Thank you again and be well~